Vehicles That Don't Quite Mesh With The Company Tagline

"Satish Kondapavulur" (becauseCAR)
08/30/2013 at 18:33 • Filed to: MY STUPID LISTS

If there's one thing four years of watching and analyzing Mad Men has taught me, it's that businesses run on taglines. Without them, people would be questioning why Acura took it upon itself to describe man for a full minute (that MDX ad is horrible), why the Swedes bother to !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! in their print ads, and why Volkswagen bought a !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! in the newspaper only to put a small car there.

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Marketing departments of car companies spend many months and enormous amounts of money to develop a slogan, only to make a car that doesn't mesh with their ad campaign in the quest for greater sales volume. Usually, this happens when an automaker realizes it needs to compete in a certain market segment and turns to rebadging a competitor's product rather than developing their own.

This, in effect, leads to amusing moments, especially when an ad campaign struggles to connect the new car to their existing tagline. In fact, to this day I don't know how VW got away with their !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! (it's both hilarious and sad at the same time), essentially a rebadged Chrysler Town and Country. Thank goodness it's gone.

Author's Note: I really didn't have as many automaker slogans to work with as you might think. Apparently, there's no longer a tagline beneath the automaker logo on print, web, and TV ads. I asked the automakers for their slogans on !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! , but only 12 out of the 35 responded. It seems many social media marketing managers may not know their company tagline...

Porsche Cayenne
Tagline: There is no substitute.

Unfortunately, there are. One of them gets vinyl seats on the base model while the other can seat seven. One offers a hybrid option and the other offers a 3-liter supercharged V-6. Both have daytime LEDs standard. And most importantly when you're substituting for a Porsche, they're much cheaper.

They’re called the Volkswagen Touareg and the Audi Q7. And the Cayenne, Q7, and Touareg share the same 3-liter diesel engine. At this rate, VW Group is doing to their PL71 platform what GM does to the Lambda platform (Acadia, Traverse, Enclave). I actually don’t know if Porsche even uses the "There is no substitute" slogan anymore, but I’m going to assume that it is. After all, they didn’t reply to my question on !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! .

BMW 5-Series
Tagline: The Ultimate Driving Machine

Considering how much I’ve !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! the current 5-Series, I must be on some sort of BMW blacklist by now. But steering feel makes the car and the current 5 just doesn’t have it. The 7-Series has better steering feel than the current 5-Series. The Lexus GS F-Sport has !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! , something I thought I'd never say five years ago. Having learned to drive on a 2002 530i, I know what a good driver's car should feel like.

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But the current 5-Series is the first BMW I've driven with such a disconnect between driver and car. It’s best that BMW uses a different slogan in the US because the worldwide slogan, “Sheer Driving Pleasure,” won't apply once the driver contends with iDrive to change the radio station.

Cadillac Escalade
Tagline: Standard of the World

Not the Escalade, unfortunately. In a world where Land Rover and Mercedes-Benz take their SUVs across the world to highlight their off-road capabilities, Cadillac couldn't be bothered. The problem is I actually like Cadillac as a brand because of how they acquired "Standard of the World" reputation. You know, back in 1908, when Cadillac demonstrated that even car parts could be interchangeable, showing up all the European marques at the time. (Ah, the benefits of being a history major.)

However, you won't find an Escalade in every country, unlike a Land Rover or Toyota Land Cruiser. Instead, the Escalade is clogging school pickup lines across America and featuring in rap/hip-hop/R&B music videos.

Honda Civic
Tagline: The Power of Dreams

Back in 2012, Honda decided to release an "all-new" Civic which clearly wasn't. The fallout was so bad that there was an emergency redesign by 2013. Unfortunately, the redesign was due to critics' censures rather than dreams, after the exercise in vision that was the 2006 Civic. The only dreams the current Civic fulfills are those of the money men. It shows with the derivative redesign and cheaper interior materials.

You thought Raphael Orlove was !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! , but 95 percent of buyers purchase it as an appliance. And Toyota's slogan is "Let's Go Places," a pretty good tagline for its products !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . When the Honda ad campaign stresses dreams, innovation has to happen every generation, which didn't occur with the current Civic.

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Mercedes-Benz Citan
Tagline: The best or nothing.

Usually, I try to use US-market cars for these lists, but the Citan is notable because the word "best" clearly wasn't uttered at any point during its development. First off, know that the French-built Citan is actually a rebadged Renault Kangoo, a small van for Frenchmen who believe in hard work. Mercedes needed a small work van to sell in Europe. The Kangoo got a four-star NCAP rating back in 2008, so Mercedes thought the Citan would be fine and didn't bother crash-testing it.

However, Euro NCAP decided to test the Citan anyway, and it got 3 stars, demonstrating to Mercedes that if they don't engineer and test everything, even a simple rebadge job, it will blow up spectacularly in their face.

Now, the NCAP test was an unwelcome !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! to Mercedes, to whom a three-star rating is unacceptable, because presumably there's a tagline to uphold. So a recall of the side window airbags came right at launch. Such episodes, ladies and gentlemen, is why Dilbert appears in newspapers across the world. Though in the end, rather than a slogan not being followed, the lesson is probably that Franco-German partnerships don't quite work.

So what other cars don't quite fit their brand's tagline? There were plenty I had to leave off.

!!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! runs !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! , named because "Clunker.com" was $82 at auction and would've taken 30% out of the balance of his Eagle Vision for LeMons fund. In between contemplating cross-country runs, he spends much of his time attempting to convince others that his MkV Jetta 2.0T Wolfsburg is indeed a sports sedan.

All images courtesy respective manufacturers.

DISCUSSION (100)

Tom McParland > Satish Kondapavulur
08/30/2013 at 18:35

Nissan- "Shift" with a goddamn CVT...yeah thanks, but no.

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

Satish Kondapavulur > Tom McParland
08/30/2013 at 18:41

I wish they still used that one. Now it's "Innovation that excites." I had a hard time playing with that one.

Thought about focusing on the Cube or Murano CrossCab but then I thought those signified innovations making cars with wraparound windows with the Versa and making convertible SUVs with the CrossCab. They're awkward innovations, but innovations nonetheless.

Sparf > Tom McParland
08/30/2013 at 18:45

107

I.... Uh... Think you broke something.

Tom McParland > Sparf
08/30/2013 at 19:05

KINJAAAAAAAA!

Gabor Vajda (@Gabor_V) > Tom McParland
08/31/2013 at 14:14

"All I see is the blonde, the brunette, the redhead..."

For Sweden > Satish Kondapavulur
08/31/2013 at 14:17

Cadillac doesn't market the Escalade as a machine to tame the wilderness, so I don't see the issue.

TheHondaBro > Tom McParland
08/31/2013 at 14:18

I think you broke Oppo

Tom McParland > TheHondaBro
08/31/2013 at 14:19

KINJAAAAA!

Fred Smith > Satish Kondapavulur
08/31/2013 at 14:20

This list is neither terrible nor pointless. In fact, it's pretty entertaining and clever. I appreciate that. Please make more like this and less about telling people not to do silly things with cars, because doing silly things with cars is kind of the whole point of Oppo.

SgtHop > Tom McParland
08/31/2013 at 14:22

Holy text wall, batman!

Tom McParland > SgtHop
08/31/2013 at 14:23

Fucking Kinja mobile posting.

AlphonzeMephesto > Tom McParland
08/31/2013 at 14:25

Go home internet......You're drunk

Satish Kondapavulur > For Sweden
08/31/2013 at 14:27

I know, but would you consider it a car for the world, like the new CTS or ATS?

Satish Kondapavulur > Fred Smith
08/31/2013 at 14:28

Thanks! Glad you liked this list.

472CID > Tom McParland
08/31/2013 at 14:32

Kinja'd!!!

This is what I imagine your post looks like.

Doug Nash > Sparf
08/31/2013 at 14:41

The whole Internet is now fucked. And, my garage door won't open.

Doug Nash > Tom McParland
08/31/2013 at 14:41

Kudos...for a job...done.

Doug Nash > Satish Kondapavulur
08/31/2013 at 14:42

Mercedes-Benz Citan: The Best of Nothing.

For Sweden > Satish Kondapavulur
08/31/2013 at 14:44

No, because the rest of the world sucks.

bobrayner > Satish Kondapavulur
08/31/2013 at 14:45

" In every BMW, the front wheels steer, and the rear wheels drive "

Kinja'd!!!

Iwaswonderofwonders > Satish Kondapavulur
08/31/2013 at 14:47

Pontiac “We Build Excitement.”

Kinja'd!!!

As explained by former Jalop contributor and friend Michelle Maynard in the NYT...

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/20/bus…

ptak appreciates old racecars > Sparf
08/31/2013 at 14:53

Put it back the way it was and hope no one notices!

SmugAardvark > Satish Kondapavulur
08/31/2013 at 15:00

Kinja'd!!!

I love Saabs, don't get me wrong. But to imply that the 9-3 shares anything in common with a jet fighter beyond a common ancestor in name only is more than a bit of a stretch.

Dawsonj > Tom McParland
08/31/2013 at 15:03

That should be COTD just to mess with folks.

R W > Tom McParland
08/31/2013 at 15:03

I disagree

86it > Satish Kondapavulur
08/31/2013 at 15:10

Kinja'd!!!

fintail > Satish Kondapavulur
08/31/2013 at 15:23

Probably doesn't count, but Mazda is using a phrase "courageous thinking" in ad copy lately that kind of irks me. Sure they make some decent cars, but calling it courage is being a bit wild with the word.

Ted Olsthoorn > Tom McParland
08/31/2013 at 15:25

Oh my fucking Lord, something went horribly wrong there. Instructions weren't clear enough, and now what? You taped your elbow to your ankle?

Nick Zea-Smith > Satish Kondapavulur
08/31/2013 at 15:28

Ford Capri. The Car You Always Promised Yourself. I'm at that age where I promised myself and most of them are in junk yards :(
Ford Sierra. Man and machine in perfect harmony. Until you reach that intersection in the wet.
Triumph TR7 - The poor man's Lotus. Really? Just as reliable as the Hethel product only worse...

exizeo - still loving fourza > Satish Kondapavulur
08/31/2013 at 15:29

Disagreeing on the Porsche Cayenne. That car is overpriced (60k for the base model, with a few necessary options) but the way it handles defies the rules of physics.

Has the OP driven a Cayenne GTS before? Have you actually driven a 535i M-Sport, 8SAT, with the M Sport Suspension?

On the Bimmerpost forums a few days ago, a BMW insider mentioned that the 5er had become softer to suit the businessmen who wanted entry-level luxury beyond the bread-and-butter 3er. There's still the M5 who wanted some sort of performance, and the M Paket provided stiffness as well. Frankly, it's sheer driving pleasure - to the people that it's marketed towards.

Mr2LotusWannabe > Satish Kondapavulur
08/31/2013 at 15:31

Porsche snob putting in his 2 cents: The 3.0 supercharged V6 on the Cayenne is ONLY on the Hybrid. The N/A V6 is another 3.6 from VW not to be confused with the 3.6 in the Panamera that is all Porsche.

Thank you for tolerating my know-it-all-ness.

dmaz > Tom McParland
08/31/2013 at 15:36

Hilarious, I wonder what caused this. Here's the stunning image decoded from base64:

Kinja'd!!!

Satish Kondapavulur > fintail
08/31/2013 at 15:40

Totally agree. But they have come close to betting the company on the new Mazda 3 and Mazda 6.

Satish Kondapavulur > 86it
08/31/2013 at 15:41

Except for getting greater than one rear passenger out quickly.

Satish Kondapavulur > SmugAardvark
08/31/2013 at 15:42

Completely agree. The marketers were lazy with this one.

Tom McParland > dmaz
08/31/2013 at 15:45

Yeah that is what I wanted to show...stupid Kinja.

86it > Satish Kondapavulur
08/31/2013 at 15:53

Or flat tires. There is no spare.

Kinja'd!!!

EmotionalFriend > Tom McParland
08/31/2013 at 15:56

Comment of the Day?

AthomSfere > Satish Kondapavulur
08/31/2013 at 15:57

But why? I looked at Nissan a while back (I ignored them for far too long) and realized their two transmission types were auto, and better auto. So despite the tagline "Shift" I now knwo I never could in a Nissan that isn't the 370z, so I will likely never own a Nissan.

Satish Kondapavulur > exizeo - still loving fourza
08/31/2013 at 16:03

I've somehow driven all the current-generation Cayennes except the GTS and Turbo S. I will admit, Cayennes handle very well, but not enough to make me consider taking a Cayenne V6 or Cayenne Diesel/Hybrid over the corresponding Touareg or Q7 because of price.

But I will admit when considering Cayenne GTS or above, Audi and VW don't have anything there anymore.

I've actually driven the 535i M-Sport as well with what you mentioned. The M-sport suspension set-up was awful, and at one point I thought the car was bouncing on the highway. The lack of steering feel didn't help either.

Satish Kondapavulur > Nick Zea-Smith
08/31/2013 at 16:04

Ah, 1980s British cars and their "brave" taglines...

MrBowles > Tom McParland
08/31/2013 at 16:05

Holy hell that's a long URL

Tom McParland > MrBowles
08/31/2013 at 16:06

Kinja'd

Satish Kondapavulur > Mr2LotusWannabe
08/31/2013 at 16:06

I didn't know the 3.0 liter was on the hybrid. (To be honest, I didn't really care when I drove the Hybrid.)

And tolerated. :)

exizeo - still loving fourza > Satish Kondapavulur
08/31/2013 at 16:09

Again, what's it's marketed towards — businessmen, for the most part.

I haven't actually had the chance to be in a F10 M-Sport, ever, with M Sport suspension, only the Adaptive Drive. If it's bouncing on the highway...bouncing up and down (as in crazy soft suspension) or harsh ride? I would love a F10 with a harsh ride, lol. Steering feel - definitely. F-series BMWs all have crap steering feel. There I agree with you.

MrBowles > 86it
08/31/2013 at 16:10

Most new cars don't come with spares

Satish Kondapavulur > Iwaswonderofwonders
08/31/2013 at 16:10

Walter White may venture to disagree though...

Kinja'd!!!

Iwaswonderofwonders > Satish Kondapavulur
08/31/2013 at 16:32

I knew you were coming Jesse....

Sgt.flippy > Satish Kondapavulur
08/31/2013 at 16:34

Mercedes A180 is worse imo. It's got a Renault 1.5 dci, pathetic!

nightobeisance > For Sweden
08/31/2013 at 16:38

So only places where GM offers the Escalade don't suck?

Bit of a stretch there.

Reborn Pyrrhic > SmugAardvark
08/31/2013 at 16:44

Saab aviation-themed ads go back a loooong time, from back in the 1960s when Saab Automobile was still very much still linked to Saab Aerospace. When under GM took ownership they took that to a new height, and yes, the 9-3 ads were pretty far fetched.

Kinja'd!!!

Old-Busted-Hotness > Tom McParland
08/31/2013 at 16:47

Did your cat take a nap on the keyboard or something?

evil2win > Satish Kondapavulur
08/31/2013 at 16:52

Kinja'd!!!

I was going to mention this one, but actually this tagline is pretty accurate even if they set the bar pretty low.

evil2win > Satish Kondapavulur
08/31/2013 at 16:55

I have to agree the Acura "built to the standard of man" line is exceptionally meaningless. I cant be the only one who knows members of mankind that pretty low standards.

Satish Kondapavulur > evil2win
08/31/2013 at 16:58

In a way, it probably did sell more Yarises.

Satish Kondapavulur > AthomSfere
08/31/2013 at 17:00

The GT-R and Juke are pretty good though.

Satish Kondapavulur > evil2win
08/31/2013 at 17:04

Ha!

Justino6969 > exizeo - still loving fourza
08/31/2013 at 17:19

It still isn't the ultimate driving machine without all the options.

BigGatorChris > evil2win
08/31/2013 at 17:30

At this point it's pretty apt across the whole line.

BigGatorChris > Tom McParland
08/31/2013 at 17:32

I was just about to say that exact same thing!

DickNixon1972 > nightobeisance
08/31/2013 at 17:36

Actually, if you match up a GM distributor's map with a map of the world, you, sir, would be correct. Where the Escalade isn't sold probably sucks.

And guess what else? The Escalade IS known the world over for the reasons you mock - rap videos and cheesy Hollywood schlock, so - yeah - brand image adhered to.

DickNixon1972 > Reborn Pyrrhic
08/31/2013 at 17:37

...and all three require an equal amount of money to keep functioning.

But only one still functions...

DickNixon1972 > Satish Kondapavulur
08/31/2013 at 17:39

The Versa doesn't have a 'wraparound' window...?

jtso > SmugAardvark
08/31/2013 at 17:40

Not to mention "Born from Jets" sounds completely stupid.

Satish Kondapavulur > DickNixon1972
08/31/2013 at 17:47

Meant the Cube. Sorry!

babou > Satish Kondapavulur
08/31/2013 at 17:49

The head picture made me come here.

PLEASE, not the Fuego, the worst Renault ever.

Let the memory of this car die in the limbo of Automobile Errors.

KidneyHabit > Tom McParland
08/31/2013 at 17:53

TL; DR

lol

Satish Kondapavulur > babou
08/31/2013 at 17:55

Really? You ought to read my autocross one. I really went after the Fuego in that one: http://oppositelock.jalopnik.com/cars-that-dont…

lepie > Tom McParland
08/31/2013 at 18:00

lol, you dun broke the internet.

Tribesman2004 > For Sweden
08/31/2013 at 18:05

Someone get this man a drink, he's alright!

Tom McParland > lepie
08/31/2013 at 18:15

Nah, Kinja did.

mdensch > Satish Kondapavulur
08/31/2013 at 18:40

I wrote a piece along these lines for carsindepth.com after the press days at the Chicago Auto Show, since there really wasn't anything else much to write about at the Chicago Auto Show.

http://www.rokemneedlearts.com/carsindepth/wo…

vc-10 > Satish Kondapavulur
08/31/2013 at 18:53

What the fuck is that Routan advert?

Skif6996 > fintail
08/31/2013 at 18:56

Yeah, comparing the new Mazda 6 to the guy who invented the bikini?! I think not. Changing the way pole jumpers vault?? Nope. Nice car and all but it didnt reinvent sedans.

babou > Satish Kondapavulur
08/31/2013 at 19:02

The Fuego was a joke, the American didn't get it but neither did the French.

I've seen more Lambos and ferraris than Renooooo Fuegoooo here in France. That is not a complaint but rather a relief !

Ecklesiastik > bobrayner
08/31/2013 at 19:26

when citing a concept that never came to be i think you are grasping at straws but if you are talking about the xdrive where all wheels drive (thus the front wheels drive) and the rear wheels steer, ill give it to you.

wkiernan > Tom McParland
08/31/2013 at 19:30

There was a time, you young whipper-snappers, when if you wanted to send a picture through the Internet you had to do that to it .

Cheesewhiz > Satish Kondapavulur
08/31/2013 at 19:45

Nice timing, Satish. I'm actually one of those agency hacks that helps auto manufacturers find or work with these lines. As you pointed out, sometimes competing issues make a mess of tag lines: Model line sales vs brand positioning, problematic attributes vs competitive advantages, new growth segments vs historic positions, and, of course, politics vs truth. Sometimes the tag just pigeon-holes you to a place that the particular ad or idea or consumer insight doesn't mesh with. It sucks...

We're in the middle of this challenge right now for a particular brand so this is timely stuff. With luck and some strategery, we won't end up on this list next year. :)

TheMyth Is Swingin' A 440 > Satish Kondapavulur
08/31/2013 at 20:03

Oh holy shit, I'd never seen that Brooke Shields VW ad thingy. What the hell were they thinking?

I'll sheepishly admit I liked the Routan when I first saw it. As you might gather from my name, I'm a Chrysler guy, but I thought the VW grille and interior were nicer than the Chrysler twins. Then the twins got refreshed with nicer interiors and the Pentastar V6 and took away the advantage. Is that when the Routan went out of production? I've only ever seen one or two on the road so I dunno...

But even when I liked it, I got pissed every time I saw an ad for it that mentioned "German engineering". Unless they were talking about Daimler.

Excellent list man, keep em in this vein and you'll definitely have won over one of your naysayers! (Like my opinion matters that much lol)

Kipling Inscore > 86it
08/31/2013 at 20:05

Kinja'd!!!

tentacles > Satish Kondapavulur
08/31/2013 at 21:19

The 3.0l SC engine was also the base engine on the Chinese market(a significant % of global sales nowadays) model, to get around displacement taxesfor >3.0l engines. It's now gone to the 3.0l turbo shared with the base Panamera.

tylinol > Satish Kondapavulur
08/31/2013 at 21:29

A van for Frenchmen who believe in hard work? I take it they didn't sell many...

Eric Leonard > TheMyth Is Swingin' A 440
08/31/2013 at 21:47

It had German Engineering. Two dudes named Hans and Guenther put the VW badges on it at the Chrysler plant. haha

QuikSlvr223 > evil2win
08/31/2013 at 21:52

Windows that move up, AND down. Standard.
I actually thought it was clever, lowering everyone's standards.

Satish Kondapavulur > tylinol
08/31/2013 at 22:48

Ha! Must've been why they agreed to the Mercedes rebadge in the first place. :)

Satish Kondapavulur > Cheesewhiz
08/31/2013 at 22:56

Glad you enjoyed reading this. And good luck with that client!

Satish Kondapavulur > mdensch
08/31/2013 at 22:59

Well, Chicago is always about the variants of different cars, with a few mainstream car debuts mixed in.

And trust me, this is the tip of the iceberg with me and slogans. Limiting this to five was tough.

Satish Kondapavulur > TheMyth Is Swingin' A 440
08/31/2013 at 23:03

Thanks! Glad you liked this list!

I think the Routan went out of production sometime last year probably around that Pentastar V6 time like you mentioned. The only reason to buy it was because of the free maintenance for the first 3 years (like all new VWs) on top of the excellent finance deals in place.

The Sparkytooth Ring Lapper > Tom McParland
08/31/2013 at 23:11

That's what happens when you divide by zero. You fuck up Kinja.

msennaGT > bobrayner
09/01/2013 at 00:03

Here's a legit pic for you:

Kinja'd!!!

msennaGT > Ecklesiastik
09/01/2013 at 00:05

Yes it will come and it will be called 1-series GT. It will sharing platform with the new Mini, which means it'll be FWD.

nightobeisance > DickNixon1972
09/01/2013 at 00:33

Ah, I've just interpreted the issue as where Cadillac markets, not where an independent business becomes a distributor. My mistake on this one, I'd say. Then, I've a soft spot for Sydney.

TheMyth Is Swingin' A 440 > Satish Kondapavulur
09/01/2013 at 00:59

I forgot the maintenance deal, that was part of the appeal for me. Of course I've never bought a new car, or nearly new even, so it's a theoritical appeal.

Ben Crowe > Satish Kondapavulur
09/01/2013 at 03:13

Kia - The Power to surprise
I was given a Picanto 1.0 Automatic for a company vehicle at a previous job. The amount of power it did have didn't surprise me at all.

Benson > tylinol
09/01/2013 at 03:30

Although a hilarious comment, the Renault Kangoo and Peugeot Partner/Citroen Berlingo sold like hot cakes for what was just a van with windows.

Ecklesiastik > msennaGT
09/01/2013 at 05:16

please say it aint so, ive not heard of that yet. im sorry im going to have to go home and have a cry in a shower

Kinja'd!!!

65corvette > bobrayner
09/01/2013 at 08:41

Are u seriously bashing bmw for a 10 year old commercial?

bobrayner > 65corvette
09/01/2013 at 09:50

Bashing BMW? It's hardly a crusade.

However I think it's legitimate to poke a little fun at them, since in key markets they made a big deal about how RWD is good and anything else bad (it wasn't just this one advert; there was a campaign)... and then they started selling things like the X5, and now FWD is on the horizon.

At the time there was plenty of xDrive &c on sale in the USA, so those of you in the USA won't have seen as much of the campaign. In some markets BMW sold 4x4s and in other markets they ran lots of adverts saying " We make RWD cars, anything else is bad, woo yay BMW ". :-)

msennaGT > bobrayner
09/01/2013 at 10:52

Even more legit patent pics:

Kinja'd!!!

I'm afraid they'll make something Sienna after this...

HardyGirth > Iwaswonderofwonders
09/01/2013 at 10:55

I think that was a typo by the copy editor.
They meant to say, "We Build Excrement".